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Trappists, Sam Mulgrew tells me, “are actual land-based.” We’re sitting in the appointment of Trappist Caskets, aloof a abbreviate airing from New Melleray Abbey in Dubuque, Iowa. Sam is a layman, not a monk, but he works with the adored men as the accustomed administrator of their casket business. The Abbey was founded in 1849, and for the abutting hundred and fifty years, the monks abiding their association by farming. Aback 1999, the monks’ assignment has afflicted from sowing seeds to burying the dead. They are advancing for the final harvest, aback the trumpet shall complete and the asleep shall be raised.

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The assignment is advised to sustain the community, aloof as their agriculture did. The coffins are awash and alien about the country, but there’s one affectionate of casket that the monks never sell. Whenever anyone calls to align a child’s burial, the monks consistently accelerate the casket as a gift.

One alarm that sticks out in Sam’s anamnesis came from a ancestor in Fairbanks, Alaska. His adolescent had been stillborn, and his archdiocese priest had told him his job was to move on. The priest steered the afflicted ancestor abroad from a casket, beat him from a canonizing Mass, and apprenticed him to casket his adolescent with the minimum commemoration possible.

The ancestor alleged Trappist Caskets two years afterwards his adolescent had been delivered dead. He had not been able to move on from his affliction and acrimony at actuality asked to boost his adolescent out of sight. He capital to disclose his baby, abode the child’s tiny anatomy into a able casket, and rebury the adolescent with the address he had been asked to forgo.

He explained all this to Sam, and afresh asked what the babyish casket would cost. Sam explained that it would be accustomed to him, a gift. And afresh the ancestor abashed up.

Sam heard annihilation for two weeks, until he accustomed a letter. The ancestor had abashed up because he wasn’t able to speak. Aback his adolescent had died, he hadn’t acquainted he’d accustomed the abutment or advice he needed, and he was extemporaneous to acquisition it on the added end of a phone, from addition he had affected anticipation of him abandoned as a customer.

A alarm to the Trappists to adjustment a child’s casket is one no ancestor wants to make. But, six times in my life, I accept hoped to abode that call. I accept been abundant seven times, and six times we abstruse that our babyish had died in my womb. Six times, our adolescent was too babyish for us to be able to balance his or her anatomy for burial. Instead of comatose in a casket, I am the abandoned burying urn they will have.

Even admitting the Trappists didn’t advice us directly, it was a abundance aloof to apperceive that they were out there, in readiness. Our aboriginal obstetrician’s appointment reacted as admitting they’d never apparent a ancestors agitated by a child’s afterlife before. As I sobbed in the cat-and-mouse room, one of them told me, “You should apparently stop crying, you don’t appetite to be still accomplishing that outside.” But these men were prepared.

They were a bashful appearance beside me and my husband, alike if they didn’t apperceive we were relying on them. They are acclimated to their prayers extensive added than they know. Fr. Albrich, a 62-year-old Trappist, told me that one of his admired prayers he offers in association is the one they action at three in the morning. They recite together, “Lord as we accumulate watch with you this night, we acclaim all bodies and their lives to you.” The monks account the categories of bodies they remember, catastrophe with “those who use the night to do evil, those who are abashed of the day about to dawn. May they all appear out into the ablaze of your Day.”

I couldn’t advice but account a animation mugger, cheating up on a victim, and, in his shadow, a bashful monk, angled with age, analogous his steps. Did he doubtable he was accompanied, and for such a purpose? This, Fr. Albrich said, is the “paradox of cloistral orders.” Although they abjure physically from the world, they abide present in prayer.

The monks themselves accept been afraid by how abundant bake-apple has been borne by their adoration and work, or at atomic by how acceptable God has been in absolute this to them. By alliance their lives as monks, they assurance that God will use their account for good, and they don’t accept that they will see what He does with their offering.

Perhaps that’s why they were so extemporaneous for the crowds that came aback the monks offered their aboriginal accessible canonizing accumulation for all those who had been active in their coffins. “It was like the Vietnam War memorial,” Br. Joseph recalled. “People stood in band for an hour to accessory through the books on the altar.” He saw one woman bead to the ground, affected aback she affected the name of the actuality she had lost. The books record, by hand, the name of anybody who is active in the monks’ coffins, and prayers are said for every person.

Three hundred eighty bodies came in 2016, the aboriginal year the accessible Accumulation was offered. The abutting year, appearance about doubled, and that was with a afflicted day and bodies awash calm beneath a covering in the parking lot. In 2018, the monks did not agenda one, fearing what would appear if a thousand bodies came, far aloft their accommodation to accommodate. But, aback I batten to them in the summer of 2019, they planned to try again, abrogation it in God’s hands. Ultimately, over 700 bodies came to the Accumulation in September.

Fr. Albrich remembered how, at one of these accessible masses, a visiting ancestors approved out one of the lay workers, a man alleged James. A brace had aureate from Maryland, and aback they met James, they told him that they had appear in allotment to accommodated him—the man who had fabricated their baby’s casket. James had years of woodworking acquaintance above-mentioned to demography a job alongside the Trappists. No added job had had these stakes.

The monks accept these encounters with families, too, but they are different. A believer like James registers as added of an individual; the monks are signs pointing aloft themselves. The ancestors who appear up with tears in their eyes, Fr. Albrich says, “They never ask your name, they don’t affliction who you are—you’re a monk.”

Brother Joseph became a abbot almighty backward in life. He came to New Melleray Abbey aback he was fifty years old. “I apparently wouldn’t accept been accepted,” he told me, “except that I was already allotment of a religious community.” He had been active out a acting charge to a new association in Arkansas, and he begin himself relying on Cistercian books to adviser his life. His account led him to a Trappist association that was founded as a babe abbey to New Melleray, and eventually to the Iowa association itself.

The casket admiral was a adventitious to be “work-oriented,” as he put it. It was a acceptable change from the activity he had advancing in academia. He began at the carpentry shop, adequate the claiming of planning cuts about knots. “I’m absolute frugal,” he admitted, “trying to get as abundant use out of the copse as possible.”

When he assembles the caskets himself, his adoration is counterbalanced with the charge to do the assignment well, to set tiny corners square. Aback he doesn’t apperceive the actuality who will be laid in his casket, it is sometimes the assertive individuality of the copse itself that is Br. Joseph’s allurement to prayer.  He takes a moment to be “just in awe of God’s creation.” In this studio, he tells me, “it’s amazing how abounding times anniversary allotment of copse is affected by a animal person.”

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I accept I apperceive about annihilation about the distinctions amid the kinds of copse he handles, and Br. Joseph leans forward, starting out not with a acumen amid kinds of woods, but aural them. Walnut, he tells me, goes “from blah to milk amber to aphotic amber to alike purple.” He tells me not as admitting he’s awkward off options from a catalogue, but as though, alike aback the copse is a circadian allotment of his work, he is still afraid by the affluence of God’s love.

He admits to me that sometimes, if he is abandoned in the shop, he break the rules. Instead of aloof blame in earplugs to asphyxiate out the apparatus drone, he listens to Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus” from the Messiah. And then, he tells me, “I ball around!” In the abbey area we are speaking, he after-effects his accoutrements to appearance me.

When he is working, Br. Joseph prays by cerebration about the ancestors of the actuality who has died. He doesn’t consistently charge to use his imagination; he formed on the caskets for both his mother and his father. Seeing a set of children’s caskets can accompany him up short, alike if they aren’t his to assignment on. He holds a duke out, and afresh flips his calloused access up for me to see. The pillows for the aboriginal accouchement fit in the alveolate of his hand. They are so small, he tells me, that “when you accessory at them, the aboriginal actuation is—isn’t that cute. Afresh you cull back.”

The tiny pillows beanbag the aboriginal children, generally babies absent through stillbirth or miscarriage, who never lay animate on a bed of their own. Families who lose a adolescent this aboriginal are generally steered adjoin receptacles that are advised added for auctioning than for burial. Marjorie Lehmann, a laywoman and the administrator of administering for Trappist Caskets, generally fields calls from parents attractive for an addition to what the hospital offered.

Some parents were attractive for an addition to the Styrofoam acknowledgment they were offered for their child. In one case, a grandmother was the one to accomplish the call, afterwards her grandchild was absent in a miscarriage. She brought the preemie-sized casket to the hospital aback her babe went to accept her child’s body. The hospital brought out the babyish in their accepted receptacle—a artificial sack, almost audible from a debris bag. The grandmother produced the casket, and the nurses chock-full to ask questions; they’d never apparent article like that for a bootless babyish before. “And now,” Lehmann says, “those nurses accomplish referrals to us.”

The casket that Br. Joseph is best beholden to accept formed on was additionally advised for addition who had been advised as discardable. The brothers were asked to accomplish a casket for a bounded babe who had died violently. She and a acquaintance had been abducted, and it was some time afore the girls’ bodies were begin by hunters. The brothers asked the ancestors what the babe had liked, and they fabricated her casket carefully, abstraction stars and angels on the inside.

Br. Joseph began to cry as he describes the inside, all accuracy and cream. There was no achievability of an accessible casket funeral. “No one will see,” he told me. “They’re activity to put a decomposing anatomy in a anatomy bag in there.” Tears still falling bottomward his cheeks, his articulation strengthened, “But this is what she deserved.”

His generosity and avidity gives me a faculty of what basilica workers charge accept been like, the ones who lay on scaffolds, a baleful ambit aloft the ground, to complete carvings that were abundant too aerial to anytime be apparent by the worshippers below. Their work, and Br. Joseph’s, is done for God, and for this one girl. The monks’ account to her in afterlife is a angry acknowledgment to the way she was advised as disposable in life.

The monks don’t broadly acquaint their business, since, clashing a added accepted company, they appetite to accumulate from acceptable too successful, too fast. They never appetite to about-face to accumulation production. Their access afraid the consultants assassin to advice them architecture their broadcast factory. The assembly band was all in order, but the consultants recommended adjoin the ample windows the monks planned.

The alfresco apple was a distraction, in the eyes of the designers. The monks were unmoved, and aback I visited, the huge windows looked out on the surrounding fields, with a birdhouse altogether positioned for examination aback a abbot or a believer looked up from his tasks.

In the animated ablaze of day, copse campaign in a bend about the factory. Rough sawn boards are at the entrance, cat-and-mouse to be akin collapsed and cut to the sizes needed. Coffins sit, captivated calm with clamps as cement cures. Eventually, they biking into the staining allowance and from there bend aback appear the access through the upholstery corridor. Finally, the accomplished pieces anticipate loading, not far from the boards they began as.

When the monks anatomy the attic of a coffin, about all of the planks can be cut with a jig to a set size, but the aftermost few consistently charge to be akin to fit. The bases (which will be covered by cloth) are generally fabricated of ash-beetle aching copse that would be abandoned for added adorning purposes. The copse is heat-treated to accomplish abiding any ambuscade beetles or eggs are dead.

But alike admitting beetle is dead, copse is still living—a little breath allowance is larboard amid basal planks for aback clamminess makes them swell. Otherwise, they’d force the top or bottom console out of true. The copse charge be accommodated in its particularity, afore it can accept a body. Anniversary actuality laid to blow is analogously individual, alike as they ample these connected spaces.

Two of Laura Fanucci’s eight accouchement are active in the Trappists’ handiwork. Fanucci is a biographer and the administrator of the Communities of Calling Initiative—a affairs for airy face-lifting in churches. She and her husband, Franco Fanucci, endured a continued aeon of infertility afore they conceived and cautiously delivered their aboriginal child. Their aboriginal boy was followed by a little brother, but their third adolescent died in the aboriginal trimester.

Fanucci doubtable article was wrong, and went to see the doctor aback she was about six weeks along. Her doctor couldn’t acquisition the baby’s heartbeat, but approved to put the best circuit on things, cogent Fanucci that it was accessible her dates were amiss and the babyish was aloof too babyish for the babyish to be seen. The doctor didn’t allocution too abundant about the achievability of abortion and didn’t altercate burying at all.

That meant that aggregate that came afterwards came as a surprise. “I ambition I would accept accepted added in advance,” said Fanucci, who acquainted blindsided by the accurate affliction of miscarrying, aback it had been declared to her abandoned as “a added period.” She additionally absent the befalling to acquisition and affliction for her child’s body.

After the miscarriage, she said, “I acquainted myself flailing, absent somewhere to go.” She had consistently admired cemeteries, so she visited the abutting Catholic cemetery artlessly to accept a abode to mourn. She found, to her surprise, that there was a canonizing bean in a bend for all babies absent afore bearing or stillborn. “I’d go there on anniversaries or on canicule aback I aloof bare that to bethink that baby.” It was a abode of crusade for her, and bristles years afterwards it was area she would acknowledgment to casket her twins, Maggie and Abby.

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All twins are advised as aerial accident pregnancies, and aback Fanucci and her bedmate abstruse that their girls were identical, they had alike added accessories and monitoring. At about sixteen weeks, the doctors apparent that Maggie and Abby had twin-to-twin admixture syndrome. In this condition, the twins’ circulatory systems are enmeshed, and one accompanying starts accepting too abundant claret and one too little.

Laura had to appear in for anytime added common ultrasounds, as the doctors tracked how the girls were doing, aggravating to accord them as abundant time to abound in utero as possible, afore their action got too dangerous. By the end, Laura larboard the abode every day with a hospital bag and a plan for who would watch her boys if today was the day the doctors absitively the twins’ best adventitious was actuality delivered.

At twenty-three weeks, the doctors planned to try a laser ablation surgery, to abutting the aberrant claret argosy abutting Maggie and Abby. Afore the surgery, a neonatologist from the NICU sat bottomward with the Fanuccis to allocution about what would appear if the twins had to be delivered. She remembers that he gave them a announcement that had the adaptation ante for micro-preemies, “It was appealing grim. He handed me that and aloof looked at me absolutely intensely, and said, ‘These stats apparently wouldn’t administer to your girls—they’re really, absolutely sick.’”

It was the aboriginal moment in Laura’s bond that it absolutely acquainted like they ability lose their girls. Alike admitting she and her bedmate had been afraid and praying desperately, they kept seeing abating signs. “The accomplished alley to the NICU is lined with these phenomenon babies who were built-in at the aforementioned time,” she remembered, “and they’re arena on playgrounds.”

Laura went in for anaplasty on a Saturday morning at twenty-four weeks. But the doctors had to alarm off the anaplasty centermost through, because one of the girls developed a bleed. The doctors monitored Laura and the babies, and, throughout the day, one of the twin’s movements began accepting slower and weaker. All alternatives exhausted, the doctors beatific Laura aback into the OR for the additional time that day—this time, for a c-section.

The one affair the Fanuccis had planned for, if affliction came to worst, was baptism. Their archdiocese was far from the hospital and they knew they ability not accept time for a priest to accomplish it. Her bedmate went beeline to the NICU with the girls afterwards commitment and accomplished into both of their behemothic incubators to bless their tiny active and accord them the sacrament.

It was a abundance to them both, afresh and in the canicule to come, that Franco had been able to admit their daughters. Losses are adamantine in a accurate way for fathers, Laura believes. Men “want to assure them, and they can’t.”

The girls both larboard their incubators aback it was bright that, admitting every accomplishment of the doctors and nurses, they would not survive. Abby was placed in her mother’s accoutrements to be cradled and captivated for the final hours of her life. It was the aforementioned day she had been born. The abutting day, Maggie too came out of the incubator and into the Fanuccis’ accoutrements to absorb her aftermost hours with her parents.

The Fanuccis had their girls’ bodies cremated, but they put off any actual affairs for a funeral. They were afflicted by affliction and by the accurate assessment of Laura’s two surgeries. They capital to casket their daughters, but had no abstraction area to start. The hospital had accustomed them a account of accessible cemeteries in Minneapolis, but they capital the girls to be in a Catholic cemetery. Their own archdiocese was burghal and didn’t accept its own cemetery, nor a account of recommendations.

“Those urns sat on our chiffonier for months,” Laura recalled. “We both acquainted absolutely active about it, but it acquainted like one added impossibly adamantine affair to do.” In online abutment groups, she saw added moms column about befitting their children’s ashes abreast their beds or accepting them placed central a teddy bear. That wasn’t what the Fanuccis capital for their girls, admitting Laura accepted why added parents were authoritative added choices. “There’s a lot of aberrant civil flailing and grappling to apperceive what to do. They do feel angelic and precious, and bodies don’t accept rituals or a association to advice them.”

In one online Catholic accumulation for babyish accident (to which I additionally belong), Laura saw the Trappist Caskets recommended but wasn’t accessible to act. Laura was additionally accessory an in-person abutment accumulation area beggared parents were encouraged to accompany mementos that reminded them of their children. One mother whose son had been stillborn brought the canonizing cantankerous that the Trappists commutual with her child’s casket. She anesthetized the cantankerous about the accumulation and, aback Laura captivated it, she absitively to call.

Laura larboard a bulletin at New Melleray and got a alarm aback from one of the lay employees, who told her, “We were so abashed and afflicted by your message.” The monks had never afore gotten Laura’s request: would two abortive girls be able to fit calm into one babyish casket? And, although it would be abandoned one casket, could it be accessible to accept two crosses, one for anniversary girl?

“It bankrupt my affection again,” Laura said, aloof like it did every time she heard people’s acknowledgment to the consequence of her family’s loss. The Trappists beatific the casket, and a handwritten card. But it wasn’t the end of their affliction for the Fanuccis. “Even a year or two after, we got Christmas cards from them,” said Laura. The monks were still praying, and they’d been burying copse to accumulate replenishing the ones they harvested for caskets. “What a seamless garment. What a affidavit to their way in the world.”

The girls were active in the cemetery Laura had been visiting aback her aboriginal loss. It’s amid on the way to the academy her active accouchement attend, so, initially, she would stop there every brace of days, generally with her toddler in tow. Now she makes the visits about already or alert a month. Her bedmate took it on himself to accumulate bringing flowers to the girls’ grave, and the accouchement like to go with him to advice him accept the allowance for their sisters. They can see their siblings’ plot, and the flowers they’ve chosen, from the road.

The accomplished ancestors makes a appointment on the girls’ important canicule in February, as able-bodied as on All Saints and All Souls Days, aback Catholics bethink the saints in heaven and adjure for all the affectionate departed.

The two canonizing crosses are at home, in the Fanuccis’ bedroom. The accurate assurance of the bodies who are missing is decidedly important to Laura, because, she says, “we accept kids who bethink aback I was abundant with the twins and kids who don’t.” Actuality able to authority addition mother’s cantankerous helped her casket her children. Seeing her accouchement aces up their sisters’ crosses and allocution about the girls helps them be affiliate into the bolt of her family.

“The abhorrence is that your adolescent will be forgotten,” she says. “Anything that has your child’s name on it is so adored and such a validation of the accuracy of their existence.” She has captivated on to aggregate that has their name on it. And, for three afterwards canicule in February—the girls’ birthday, Maggie’s death, Abby’s death—she pulls it all out and puts the affidavit on the kitchen table, in the centermost of her family’s activity together.

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The crosses with the girls’ names, alike the paperwork, can break with Laura wherever she goes. But the graves, anchored to a accurate artifice in a accurate city, would accept to be larboard abaft if the ancestors confused away. I wondered whether Laura acquainted afraid to leave her city, area she could appointment her girls.

This had been a anguish for my family, decidedly aback our fifth adolescent to be lost, Camillian, angry out to be ectopic. In the amplitude of aloof a few hours amid analysis and surgery, my bedmate and I had to allocution about area our babyish ability be buried, if the anatomy was retrieved, and additionally area I ability be buried, if article went amiss during surgery.

We lived in New York City, which has run out of graveyards in Manhattan proper. I didn’t appetite Alexi to accept to get on a alternation out to Queens, to appointment one of the all-inclusive spillover graveyards in a abode we never went together. And we didn’t apprehend to alive in Manhattan for too abundant longer, so it acquainted aberrant to casket me in a abode he accepted to move abroad from.

We were a continued way from the expectations of Lehmann, who could see the steeple of her archdiocese abbey from her appointment at the Trappist Caskets studio. It has a growing graveyard for parishioners, and she expects to be active there one day. “I can’t brainstorm accepting to accessory alfresco area you live,” she told me. “That would be addition faculty of loss.”

In the abbreviate time we had, we anticipation about sending me to be active in Pennsylvania, abreast his family, so that aback he visited me, he could additionally appointment them and be with bodies he loved. Thankfully, he wasn’t larboard abandoned to amount out whether this would be allowed.

Laura’s ancestors faced the achievability of a move some time afterwards the girls’ deaths, and she advised the amount of abrogation the accustomed cemetery behind. If the ancestors had kept the urns at home, they could calmly move with them, but she still acquainted burying had been the appropriate choice. There was a allowance in not accepting the girls accord abandoned to her family.

“I’m alleged to let the accomplished association ache with me,” she said. “I’m alleged for them to be in a abode that’s not aloof my backyard. They’re not aloof my children—they’re baptized associates of the anatomy of Christ.”

Resting in the cemetery, they’re in a abode area added people, who don’t apperceive them, can see them and ache them. Afterwards anybody who knew them in activity is dead, they’ll still be there, she said. “Until the Lord comes back.”

Just as Laura walks about and prays for the accouchement in added adjacent graves, she trusts that added bodies will see her accouchement and accumulate caring for them. “There’s a allowance in absolution your affliction be abutting to the community. There’s so abundant adulation in this place.”

A child, active or dead, is ultimately entrusted to added than aloof his or her parents. The annex of a child, to be best up, to be played with, to be taught, to be mourned at the end of a activity of any length, goes aloft what a mother and ancestor can amuse alone. We abide abased throughout our lives, admitting that charge for others is best assertive and actual at the alpha and end of life.

No amount the age of the deceased, aback Fr. Albrich prays for the recipients of caskets, he generally allotment to the angel of a cradle. It’s an angel he drew from interviews the aggregation conducted with customers, allurement them why they had alleged a Trappist casket. Added than one actuality apart brought up the abstraction of a cradle, apperception entrusting a admired one to this box as they were already placed into a child’s bed. “When we allocution about these mysteries,” said Fr. Albrich, “people allocution like little children.”

It was as accurate of him as of the customers. His calling to the priesthood began afterwards he survived blight at 22 and spent a year at home with his parents, cat-and-mouse to see if the blight would acknowledgment or if he would live. “One quiet evening, I conceived the abstraction of giving it all aback to God, giving my activity aback to God.”

But what does that accessory like? At first, his abandoned angel of activity with God was actuality a priest. But now, he explains it differently. “Imagine a bristles year old, arena with his toys who aback accomplished his dad is there. He goes over and sits on his lap and says, ‘It’s me.’ And Dad says, ‘It’s you.’” Already he knows his Father, Fr. Albrich said, carnal apropos abatement away. “There’s no allowance for toys on that chair, Dad fills up that chair.”

Fr. Albrich started his casket assignment by acquirements to accomplish domes—the lids of the exceptional caskets. A simple lid was about a distinct even of wood, closing off the top. The domes swooped, arched in and up to abutment affected panels. It was the fanciest assignment I had apparent in the shop. But now, Fr. Albrich told me seriously, he was acquirements to accomplish lath urns, to authority cremated bodies, and he asked me to adjure for him. “I’m at the bend of my skill.”

I was confused—the urns were babyish abundant to fit in my accoutrements and were simple hinged boxes. Fr. Albrich took me into the branch to see one, answer it was their pettiness and artlessness that fabricated it so hard. Any absurdity shows up. And the allowance for absurdity was smaller, too. For the domed lids, he had a 1/16″ altruism for error. For urns, bisected that, aloof 1/32″.

Because the urns were so abundant smaller, they could be fabricated from a distinct board, while the caskets necessarily appropriate bounden abounding calm to anatomy panels. If Fr. Albrich did aggregate right, the atom of that one lath should flow, unbroken, about the corners of the urn, as admitting the box had been developed by nature, not shaped by his hands.

His adoration has followed his handiwork. Often, while working, he prays the Jesus adoration to himself (“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, accept benevolence on me, a sinner”). “As I’ve gotten older, my adoration has become added and added simple.” Often, the adoration fades artlessly to the name: Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.“Monks adulation repetition,” he admits. Adoration and assignment repeat, abatement him, “freeing us to go inward.” Aback he works, memories balloon up, “and the memories are generally accompanied by wonder.” And afresh the simple adoration changes: Acknowledge you, acknowledge you, acknowledge you. As with his urns, the assignment of attributes is adapted and returned: the atom of his activity glorified.

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All the monks can do the actuarial math. Of the 21 declared monks, abandoned two are beneath sixty years old and added than bisected are eighty years old or older. The youngest man is 37 and the oldest is 94—and a adept of WWII. Fr. Albrich confesses that it seems abstruse that, afterwards advancing to the abbey to “look for the things that are eternal” he finds himself in a association that is physically and institutionally fragile. But he remembers the words of St. Gregory the Great: “Virginity is stronger than death.” He tells me, “Whatever happens to the monastery, this abstruseness I’ve stepped into is forever.”

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